Blog: What Happened to my Marriage? – Part 1

I made a comment on April Cassidy’s blog that got a lot of response and questions, so I wanted to repost my answer here on my own blog. You can also check out my video series about this.

1) The Initial Statement

I made a statement that, I thought that the reason many women were bitter and disappointed in their marriages was because of unrealistic expectations. Unrealistic Expectations men women marriage frustration communication talk to meTo elaborate even further:

I didn’t say that we should have *no* expectations, because indeed we should…we vow certain things at the wedding ceremony. I said that sometimes there are *unrealistic* expectations, so let me list some more examples:

-The idea that a man can read your mind
-The idea that you will want to live your dream but he won’t want to live his
-The idea that you only have to obey God if your husband does everything right
-The idea that he will be a sinless husband
-The idea that you get to keep collecting the benefits that you get from being married, but he doesn’t get any if he’s hurt your feelings or failed in some way

This is why I have said over and over, that we need both comprehensive sex education in this country, where basic male and female differences can be studied, explained, and accepted, AND, as Christians, we need a Courtship System designed to keep things in God’s order before marriage so we can properly prepare to be Godly spouses. It doesn’t matter how your marriage starts out, or who you pick, or how intense the infatuation stage is, or how hot the sex is(and as Christians we shouldn’t be engaging in pre-marital sex and there are reasons for that that aren’t what you think), before it’s all over, you will WISH you had a Godly spouse.

2) A follow up Question

I’ve been telling women for years now, that men are not designed to bond; women are. Men are designed to spread seed. This stuns women, and I was asked on that same blog as to why then, do men “fake” the pre-marital bonding time, and then get mad if sex isn’t automatic in the marriage? In other words, why do men pretend that they want to bond, be open, talkative and attentive before marriage, and then shut down verbally and emotionally but still expect regular sex from their wives?

meg ryan faking orgasm men women communication marriage talk to me
Sally already told you; it’s all fake, homeslice.

This issue I know, is an extreme source of frustration for many women, Christian and non-Christian alike. Well….

Men “fake” it for the same reason that women do….because we’re each after our individual goals, they’re just not the same goals.

Women want:
-Financial security
-Social status of being married
-The feeling of not being alone
-Access to his resources even after he dies or if the marriage is over
-Total control over the children
-Verbal and emotional bonding
-Lots of personalized attention

…and how do they get it? By being attentive to a man’s physical needs. Looking good, smelling good, cooking well, and then emotionally respecting him and laughing at his stupid jokes that they really don’t think are funny. And if you are having sex before marriage(which as Christians we shouldn’t be but many of us do) women will give the man the best sex of his life. Females do sexual things that they don’t really want to do and have no intention of continuing once the marriage is secured. Are they faking anything in getting a man to marry them, or are they being totally genuine all the time?

Men want:
-A high degree of physical satisfaction(regular food and sex at a minimum)
-A high degree of respect
-A healthy and responsible mother for the children
-Someone that supports their dreams & leadership ability

…and how do we get it? By being attentive to a woman’s financial, verbal, and emotional needs. Dressing well, being attentive, being open and affectionate, paying for meals, and listening to all of the things that she says whether we actually want to talk/listen that long or not. And if you’re having sex before marriage(which as Christians we shouldn’t be) then we give you the romance, foreplay, and adventure you want. Are we faking anything in getting a woman to marry us, or are we being genuine all the time?

See what I mean? We’re each after our goals, we do what we need to do, yet many people fail to realize that both parties expect that behavior to continue after the marriage, because that’s what we thought we were getting.meg ryan faking orgasm men women communication marriage talk to me

Without any integrity, and with a strategy that is the basic ‘bait-and-switch’ play, there is no way a marriage doesn’t end up locked in frustration on both sides. The same things you did to win someone are the things you have to do to keep someone.

Next entry I’ll deal with this question: Do men really know how women think?

 

4 Replies to “Blog: What Happened to my Marriage? – Part 1”

  1. Ok, I guess I am just a weird woman…. To me, sex shows that we are close. I want it. If we have a disagreement, then having sex shows everything is ok.. I do not want total control over my children… I’ve graduated 3 out of 4 of them. I almost have my life back. My husband, on the other hand, mourns. He cried as we left our 3rd one last week. I am thinking, only one more to go…. Then wow, we can have sex in any room of the house or just go whereever we want without worrying about kids…. Everything has to be just right for him to have sex…he can’t be too tired or too stressed…Just frustrating.

    Anyway, not all of us fit in your mold above. I could care less about money.. I was happiest when he was in school and I was bringing home the little salary that I had. I was happiest when it was just the two of us and no children. Not to say that I don’t love my children, but they are hard and it is hard to be on call 24/7 for them…

    1. I don’t think that’s weird at all!
      It’s really impossible to speak on any gender or sexuality issue and avoid generalization, so I welcome your
      comment and perspective.
      It sounds like your roles are reversed from the common role issues that I suggested…and indeed, there are often situations
      where the wife desires sex more than the husband, and as you mentioned, for you, it’s an act of closeness and a sign of ‘rightness’ in
      the relationship. That’s still a very female motivation…it’s not just for physical release. That’s more of what I was speaking to, which was
      common motives by gender.
      It sounds like you love your husband very much, and enjoy the relationship the best when it’s just the two of you, and again, I think
      that’s great!
      I have encountered many men, and many situations though, where it was the opposite….where men have been cut out of the lives of their children, sometimes through emotional walls while still in the home, and sometimes through divorce and mental poisoning after the family has been broken up.
      I would venture to say that the vast majority of situations, if the family is dissolved, the mother will want control of the children, and many women go into the marriage with that mindset; that’s what I was speaking to. But I definitely acknowledge and agree that there are exceptions to every rule/situation.
      But you are not weird!
      And yes….parenting is difficult all the way around, with two people, or single parenting, or whatever the configuration. It is probably the most challenging job on Earth.

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