1) The Initial Statement
I didn’t say that we should have *no* expectations, because indeed we should…we vow certain things at the wedding ceremony. I said that sometimes there are *unrealistic* expectations, so let me list some more examples:
-The idea that a man can read your mind
-The idea that you will want to live your dream but he won’t want to live his
-The idea that you only have to obey God if your husband does everything right
-The idea that he will be a sinless husband
-The idea that you get to keep collecting the benefits that you get from being married, but he doesn’t get any if he’s hurt your feelings or failed in some way
This is why I have said over and over, that we need both comprehensive sex education in this country, where basic male and female differences can be studied, explained, and accepted, AND, as Christians, we need a Courtship System designed to keep things in God’s order before marriage so we can properly prepare to be Godly spouses. It doesn’t matter how your marriage starts out, or who you pick, or how intense the infatuation stage is, or how hot the sex is(and as Christians we shouldn’t be engaging in pre-marital sex and there are reasons for that that aren’t what you think), before it’s all over, you will WISH you had a Godly spouse.
2) A follow up Question
I’ve been telling women for years now, that men are not designed to bond; women are. Men are designed to spread seed. This stuns women, and I was asked on that same blog as to why then, do men “fake” the pre-marital bonding time, and then get mad if sex isn’t automatic in the marriage? In other words, why do men pretend that they want to bond, be open, talkative and attentive before marriage, and then shut down verbally and emotionally but still expect regular sex from their wives?
This issue I know, is an extreme source of frustration for many women, Christian and non-Christian alike. Well….
Men “fake” it for the same reason that women do….because we’re each after our individual goals, they’re just not the same goals.
-Social status of being married
-The feeling of not being alone
-Access to his resources even after he dies or if the marriage is over
-Total control over the children
-Verbal and emotional bonding
-Lots of personalized attention
…and how do they get it? By being attentive to a man’s physical needs. Looking good, smelling good, cooking well, and then emotionally respecting him and laughing at his stupid jokes that they really don’t think are funny. And if you are having sex before marriage(which as Christians we shouldn’t be but many of us do) women will give the man the best sex of his life. Females do sexual things that they don’t really want to do and have no intention of continuing once the marriage is secured. Are they faking anything in getting a man to marry them, or are they being totally genuine all the time?
-A high degree of physical satisfaction(regular food and sex at a minimum)
-A high degree of respect
-A healthy and responsible mother for the children
-Someone that supports their dreams & leadership ability
…and how do we get it? By being attentive to a woman’s financial, verbal, and emotional needs. Dressing well, being attentive, being open and affectionate, paying for meals, and listening to all of the things that she says whether we actually want to talk/listen that long or not. And if you’re having sex before marriage(which as Christians we shouldn’t be) then we give you the romance, foreplay, and adventure you want. Are we faking anything in getting a woman to marry us, or are we being genuine all the time?
See what I mean? We’re each after our goals, we do what we need to do, yet many people fail to realize that both parties expect that behavior to continue after the marriage, because that’s what we thought we were getting.
Without any integrity, and with a strategy that is the basic ‘bait-and-switch’ play, there is no way a marriage doesn’t end up locked in frustration on both sides. The same things you did to win someone are the things you have to do to keep someone.
Next entry I’ll deal with this question: Do men really know how women think?