So this entry I’m going to deal first with this question:
1) Do men really know what women are thinking?
In a word….No.
Most men don’t *know* that women are designed to, and need to, bond, especially to get something out of marital sex. (Pre-marital sex is a different thing for women, I’ll address that at another time, but don’t believe the hype.) Most men make the mistake of thinking that women are driven by a physical need like *we* are, that’s the problem.
But what women don’t know about men is, that we do not *need* to bond to have sex, and the pursuing of you that we do is *because* we want a regular source of sex. Without that motivation, men would not pursue you. This seems to come as a surprise to many women, as they often project their female system of wanting to get the best ‘catch,’ and deeply wanting to not be alone onto men. Most men(except for needy men) aren’t that way.
2) What are men thinking after the altar?
Many men feel like, once they’ve married, that “Welp. I’ve done my job and married her, so she should know that I love her. And she should know that I need regular sex now, and she should do her job the same way I go to work every day and do mine.”
And that’s just not how women and marital relationships work. This is one of the unrealistic expectations that MEN have….that no longer making a focused effort to talk to your wife will result in her still being sexually available to you on the regular, as if *her* need is the same as *ours.*
Men also want drama free sex; we do not like jumping through hoops to get sex. Men want to come home to an available woman. If that doesn’t happen, that’s why we get angry and turn to other things, because a man doesn’t feel like he should have to KEEP working for it after he’s married you. We’ve bought the cow(no I’m not calling women cows, I’m using a common expression). Everybody knows that the milk comes along with the cow. Because for men, the central expectation of marriage is a regular source of sex. There is absolutely no way on this blue green earth that men would ever even *entertain* the idea of marriage if we didn’t think that regular sex was a part of it.
3) What are women thinking after the altar?
Women don’t seem to feel that way, that now that they’re married that their part of the deal is to supply regular sex to their husbands. Women rather tend to feel like:
Talk to me, romance me, be interested in me, complement me, pay the bills, raise the children right, for God’s SAKE don’t say the wrong thing, be faithful to me, care about my emotions, don’t think anybody is prettier than me, don’t act like it’s a chore to be with me, act like I’m skinny especially if I’m not, I want you to want to want me, be a leader when you need to, sacrifice when you need to,
and THEN I’ll give you sex. Miss any item on that list and I’ll get angry and resentful and tell you that you’re selfish and insensitive but I’ll for sure keep using your last name when I sign my checks because I get to keep MY benefits but YOU better learn to be perfect, Mister mister.
And none of that, not one DROP of that, is what the Bible teaches. That’s why the games we play, on both sides, don’t work.
4) How does God tell us to treat our sexuality inside of marriage?
We can find the instruction of God right here:
I Corinthians 7:1-5 (KJV)
1 Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman.
2 Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.
3 Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.
4 The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.
5 Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.
Here’s that same scripture passage in the New International Version:
I Corinthians 7:1-5 (NIV)
Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” 2 But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. 3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
God Almighty, the One that invented marriage, says that both parties are to surrender their bodies to the sexual availability and satisfaction of the other person. That is the proper way to be married; we are not to defraud one another, or else Satan gets in the marriage. That’s plain as day, and we see that play out in life all the time. But to live in obedience to this command takes a cross; a crucified life; according to the Scriptures, however, this is the way to handle sexuality in a marriage. It’s also been pointed out to me that, some wives want sex more than some husbands; in those situations, a man has to sacrifice his lower drive for his wife’s higher drive, even seeking medical help if necessary.
This marriage and sex thing simply is. not. easy. We have to work at it, and obey God if we want it all to work.
Next up: Whose Fault Is It?