So today, I’m going to deal with this common question:
1) Whose Fault Is It?
One of the most common traps in marriage is the Blame Game. And man, once you get on that cycle, it will never stop spinning. To oversimplify, he stops giving attention, she gets resentful and stops giving sex. He feels sexually shut out, so he shuts down. She has a shut down husband which infuriates her, because she so hungrily wants to connect. And ’round and ’round we go.
Responsibility is a tricky thing; it’s under individual control, yet it affects all connected.
As I said here, both parties tend to be on their “best behavior” while courting and then after marriage can relax more, begin to take the other for granted, and simply go on more of a cruise control mentality.
2) Needs Go On, They don’t Stop
What most men don’t understand is that you have to keep your wife the same way you won your wife….BUT, that goes both ways. Looking good, smelling good, being pleasant, and then after marriage being sexually available is important for women to keep their husbands’ interest.
And as God has counseled us, from the beginning, it’s not good for us to be alone. Not just men, women too. Humans. We are not meant for too much aloneness. Sadly, without a focus on obedience to Christ and His Word, men will lapse into the irresponsibility of Adam, and women will lapse into the usurpment of Eve. That flesh nature is there all the time, whether we crucify it daily as we’re instructed to or not. This unfortunately is one of the big shocks of marriage…..that even after the nuptials, you have to keep feeding your spouse. If you don’t, they’re going to quickly start to build up resentment. Count on it.
So it’s not a man’s fault if his wife changes her attitude after the marriage…if she pulled a bait and switch, then he has to do his best to love her and follow the Lord. But that situation is not going to continue forever, because it is untenable. It’s not a woman’s fault if her husband changes his attitude after marriage…if he pulled a bait and switch and is now no longer interested in meeting her needs, she has to do her best to love him and follow the Lord. And again…it’s not going to continue forever, because a marriage cannot survive without feeding. This is what makes marriage so challenging. Your partner’s decisions are not under your control, yet they directly affect you. This is why the Lord tells us in Ephesians 5, to be filled with the Spirit and work on our character and THEN He gets to instructions to married people…in other words, learn how to control yourself and develop the right attitude BEFORE marriage, or else this is what can happen.
3) This is What You Signed Up For
I can’t stress this enough. When you got married, you said “I do. I take….I will.” Then after the ceremony you think you get to say “I won’t.” Yeah um no. When you marry someone you agree to be their only legitimate source of certain things….that means, just as the Bible teaches, that it’s your job to take care of them. This is what comes along with marriage. It’s why I maintain that we need much more comprehensive training before we jump the broom, so that when the responsibilities of marriage hit, we’re ready for them.